Thousands of kids experience the stress of divorce each year. How they'll react depends on their age, personality, and the particular circumstances of the separation and divorce process.
Every divorce will have an effect on the kids involved — and many times the initial reaction is one of shock, sadness, frustration, anger, or worry. But kids can also come out of it better able to cope with stress, and many become more flexible, tolerant young adults.
The most important things that both parents can do to help kids through this difficult time are:
- Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the kids.
- Minimize the disruptions to kids' daily routines.
- Confine negativity and blame about each other to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.
- Keep each parent involved in the kids' lives.
Most adults going through separation and divorce need support — from friends, professionals, clergy, and family. Don't seek support from your kids, even if they seem to want you to.
Breaking the News
As soon as you're certain of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live apart. Although there's no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents present for this conversation. It's important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you're going to manage telling your kids so you don't become upset or angry during the talk.
Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to a child's age, maturity, and temperament, be sure to convey one basic message: What happened is between mom and dad and is not the kids' fault. Most kids will feel they are to blame even after parents have said that they are not. So it's vital for parents to keep providing this reassurance.
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